not the right kind of disabled (the lie of unity and the arrogance of the public and doctors)

I have always known I am not the right kind of disabled for you
you, being disabled yourself, do not have room to extend such compassion
you have never considered or imagined what they did to me, do to me,
your mind is not able to conjure what they are willing to do to me,
if I did not advocate for myself, I cannot imagine just how much worse life would be

But I know I am not the right kind of disabled for you
you are very selective on what kinds of disability you acknowledge
I was warned early on, haphazardly, but warned all the same
and even that so-called professional exploited me for their benefit
it did not end there, it never ends there, just because I can pass as abled, through silence

Having an HBCU education, I know, light skinned women suffered two-fold
on one end from the salacious and dangerous, violent appetites of powerful white men
and on the other side from their own sisters and brothers, seeing lighter skin
as being outside, the contradiction was rarely acknowledged, while it is not
my intent to compare myself to those enslaved or the child of those victims, am I subject
to the same paradigm to you? am I to be ashamed that I can walk across a room
in silence and as long as I lie I am more protected, all the while the symptoms persist

The juxtaposition is similar, the railing from both ends, the limitations
of what I am permitted by some to claim, for instance, I recall telling a professional
that I was a veteran at my particular disability, and it was made clear to me
that it was more offensive to insinuate that I am veteran than to be subject to such ignorance,
the difference is not so great, it goes beyond the minds of so many, most, even those who claim
to sympathize, they only condescend, after all, they did not stop to realize they haven’t spent 30 years
with a disability they do not understand at all, but no, I am not disabled enough for you

of all the things I do not say, never say, of my personal decades of experiences,
this should not be confused with ease, or not worth mentioning, I choose not to share with you