If I end up in court after death

If I end up in court after I die I am going to take God by surprise
I am going to countersue Michael the Archangel,
even if there is no Michael the Archangel, even better,
an application of mistrust will hold good with my argument

This poem was meant to be a momentous narrative,
but God will not allow me to finish it
God is telling me I will not end up in court when I die
so please do not entertain such thoughts or spread misinformation

God says He/She/They loves me, even though I do not believe it
in my heart of hearts

One day I will travel
and I may hear God under the frame of another light
perhaps then I will listen
though at the moment
I do not think travel matters
God is just as easily here as anywhere else
Or, perhaps the sky will part and She/He/They will show themselves,
just somewhere else
Is God saying They/She/He has preferences?

I have lived a more consequential life in my long left past than my father ever did
that was his own choice, his own character and values
that held him back.
I walked away from a consequential life
first mistaking love as a reason to be
then reliving illness in such a way that retreat was required and true
then choosing seclusion as a manner of life, resting,
assuming I had lived enough, suffered enough, accomplished in my life
what would be sufficient to meet its end – and hoping to die soon

Though I have come to see that my God repeatedly telling me
not to die, as He/She/They have been doing so for the last year,
has finally matched with my values, that I should live again, soon,
that I have more consequential surfaces of events left within me
but most importantly, it is interesting that my first thought

is that it will require connections – stalwart captains of grace and trust –
and even, perhaps, connections with shapes of God that are not true,
but where, maybe, the people mean well, and are organized
are they local? do the Womanists have it? do the Quakers have it?
do I return to my local NAACP and this time participate in organized movement?
Or, are they all, too, unstable in this southern atmosphere
Having grown up here, and after having moved back here,

I know very well that not much good arises from the moribund air that sweeps
though the illusion of charm and the true darkened, terrifying cries of history
I do not want to continue to lose further hope
looking where hope is supposed to naturally be, with select people,
and finding it colonized, lost to a construction, and a people made fetishized,
though, I feel that today, I have somehow made a promise to God
that I will try, in one way or another, I will make an effort
and I keep my promises to God
at least, I always have in the past
in a past where I cared about being a part of making an important future, together,
untied